Slim
Last night, laying in bed…. Hen: Mom. You’re fat. Me: I’m fat? Hen: You have a fat tummy. Me: Huh. Are you fat? Hen: No. Me: Is Daddy fat? Hen: No. Me: Is Moon fat? Hen: No. Me: Is Peanut fat? Hen:...
View ArticleHappy Mother’s Day, Fatty
This morning… Hen: Mom, we’re going to ride horses for Mother’s Day. Me: Did you just ruin a surprise? Hen: I dunno. This afternoon, in the car with all the boys… Me: Hey Hen, what did you say we’re...
View ArticleLet’s not tell Dad about this theory
Me: Did you pick your mole off? Peanut: Yes. I didn’t like it. Me: Stop scratching at it. You can’t pick moles off. Peanut: Why? I want it to go away. Me: Moles don’t go away. They’re permanent. See, I...
View ArticleParentwy
Me, shouting from the bathroom crime scene: Would someone care to tell me why there’s wet toilet paper all over the floor? Hen, running into the bathroom: Huh. Me: Did you do this? Hen: No. I fink it...
View Article‘Member?
Hen: Mom, ‘member when I had the Dora potty seat? Me: Yes. Hen: Was I a girl or a boy? Me: Really? Hen: Yes. I want to know. Me: What are you now? Hen: Boy! Me: What were you when you were a baby? Hen:...
View ArticleIt’s like “More Cowbell,” but with vagina
Me: They’ll probably just remove my uterus. Dave: So, how does that work, exactly? Me: How does….what….work? Dave: If they take it out, how do we… Me: They don’t remove my vagina. Dave: Right, but…....
View ArticleDirector of Marketing, Mother of Ungrateful Shit
Me: Grandma put a check in the mail to you today for $100. You need to call her to say “Thank you” and you need to raise another $700. Moon: Do I have to? Me: Do you want to go on your class trip?...
View ArticlePeanut on Politics
Me: The debate is on at nine. Do you want to watch it in my room? Peanut: What is it? Me: Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are going to talk about foreign policy to help us decide who would make a better...
View ArticleAnd that’s how you know your kid is too old to see you naked
Hen: I see your boobs. Me: Ugh. Yes. I have boobs. Hen: They’re fat. Me: Yes. Boobs are fat. Hen: Can I touch them? Me: No, you can’t touch my boobs. Hen: Why? Me: Because. They’re my boobs. You can’t...
View ArticleAnd a Happy VD to you….
February 13, 9:30 pm, writing Hen’s name in black marker on $2.99 grocery store Batman Valentines with nothing in the “To” field because I totally lost the class list: Dave: I don’t think there’s going...
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